I’m still ecstatic that the boy said yes. The boy – one who actually seems of interest to me. I have his resume pulled up on my screen. What does this digital piece of paper tell me? Some basic stuff… perhaps even some helpful stuff. His yeshiva, if he lives nearby or in another country, and most importantly if he has a sister that’s around my sister’s age. Like I said- basic. Some pieces in the puzzle that is this boy.

But I need more.

“Mom?” I call into the quiet house.

When I hear no response, I go hunting. I find my mother in one of the rooms sitting on the couch and doing something that looks important.

I stand there, my phone still held tightly in my hand. And wait. And wait some more.

My mom finally looks up at me. “Hi, what’s doing?” She asks me

I sit beside her on the white leather couch. “We need to do research.” I inform her simply.

“Ah yes,” my mother smiles. “Well, when you were at work, I called his Rabbi who said he will call me back. I spoke to his neighbor who said the boy’s family invites her over for shabbos meals and that they are all super nice and polite. I got through to his friend who vaguely remembers their yeshiva days, and said that the boy was very into his learning, but he’s not sure what he’s up to now.”

“Thanks mom,” I say touched. “Can we try the Rabbi again?”

“Yes.” My Mom pulls out her phone and I recite the number from the resume.

The phone rings. I get nervous. I really hope he answers.

“Hello?” A tired voice comes through the cellular device.

“Rabbi Kestenbaum?”

“Yeah. Who’s calling?”

“I was trying to reach you…”

“Oh yes, I apologize about not turning your call. Now is a good time for me.”

“Thank you. I was hoping you could tell me about a boy we are looking into his name is, Yoel Rosen.”

The Rabbi replies, “Of course. He davens in my shul- Ohel Torah. He’s a very refined boy. He sometimes stays extra to help put the sefarim away.”

“That’s amazing. Do you know him outside of shul?”

“Not really. I bump into him here or there. He sometimes calls me for shailos.”

“Okay. Anything else you could tell me about him?”

“I know he takes his torah learning very seriously. He attends shiurim we hold in our shul, and he learns b’chavrusa. Yoel is a fine young man.”

“Boruch Hashem. Thank you for your time. All the best.”

“My pleasure. Good night.”

My Mom hangs up the phone. “Well, that was a positive conversation,” she comments.

“Yeah,” I echo.

Later that night my mom realizes she knows someone from Chicago and calls them up to see if they know Yoel or his family. My mom’s friend says she sees the boy walking to shul and that one time he helped her carry in her groceries as he was passing by when she was in the process of transferring bags from car to house.

After the nice things we heard, we felt confident to give a yes. I texted the shadchan exactly that.

My advice:

Why it’s good to do research is to get a sense of what the person is like. With whom they surround themselves. Their lifestyle choices. These are the sort of things we look to taste when we call people on the resume, and when possible—people off the resume. It’s best to speak to people close to them like a neighbor or co-worker. People who see the potential in a variety of environments. Make sure what you’re hearing is consistent. Like does one person say he’s calm while another reference alludes to him being uptight? Listen carefully to what the references say and also what they don’t say. Don’t be afraid to ask questions for clarification purposes. Also, it’s good to ask for examples; if a reference says he/she is kind say something like, in what situations have they displayed kindness? Listen, ask, and keep an open mind.

It's important to note that the way you phrase the question is important. Ask with sensitivity and curiosity, not with judgement. Remember the reference’s loyalty is not to you, but to the person whom they are listed as the reference. Assume that every question that you ask is going to be retold to the reference. This is not intended to scare anyone, only to let you know that it occurs, so always ask in a way that you won’t feel embarrassed should it happen.

Additionally remember that the person who suggested them most often may not know the boy as well as you might assume that they do. They will send the resume your way if they feel there is enough commonality or if they heard things that make the idea sensible to them. They aren’t vouching for the boy, rathe just trying to make a match. You can ask the shadchan if a boy has or can write up a personal description. Those can help too. Every bit of information is of value.

References will help paint a picture of the individual you are calling about however keep in mind they don’t have all the answers. Try to glean what you can while remembering they’re human too. The best information you’re going to get is when you actually meet the boy and get a chance to speak to him.