“So, what are you looking for?” The Shadchan, Mrs. Hirsh, asked after my Mother introduced me. She must have seen the apparent confusion in my eyes, for she added, “in a boy.”

“Oh.” is all I said. What are the choices? I remember thinking. I had no idea how to answer the question.

I tried to think and as I stood there silently, the Shadchan drummed her fingers against a nearby table impatiently.

My Mother must have wished she had prepared me. “She is looking for a nice boy who is koveah itim (makes time to learn), and is tall.. being that my daughter is tall.”

Mrs. Hirsh nodded. “Is she looking for someone in town or out of town?” She learned to address my Mother.

“We are flexible. It doesn’t really matter. As long as he is from a good family.”

Good family? What does that mean? Good at what exactly? Keeping a tidy house?

I wanted to ask my Mother as much, but she was approached by another lady just as we turned away from Mrs. Hirsh.

“Mrs. Levin! How have you been?”

“I’m good. It’s been so long. Is this Chavie?”

“Yeah. She grew up, didn’t she?” My Mother laughed.

“She certainly did. What is she looking for?” By then I knew this is a Shidduch code word. I sighed internally. This is going to be a long night, I recall feeling.

That night, I learned that it isn’t just Shadchanim who will search for a boy for you. It can be your Mom’s friend who roped you into a conversation, or the lady who lives down the block. This reality is both beautiful and somewhat exausting, knowing how many people want to help, but it also causes you to repeat yourself many times over. I considered printing out a name tag that says what I’m up to and what I’m looking for which I can point to in a really nonchalant fashion every time I’m asked the same questions. Or you can bask in the glory of attention, because this is the point in life where people will pay the most mind towards you.

 My Advice:

         When you have reached the point where you want to date, it is important to be honest with yourself as to what you are looking for in a boy. Make a list of needs and desires that you have and organize them in an order that rates them from most to least important. Keep in mind it is impossible to get everything that you want so this exercise is to differentiate what you can compromise on and what you can’t. For example, I can’t compromise on: honesty/integrity, kindness/generosity, and height, but I can compromise on looks. It is also important to clearly communicate those characteristics to a parent or guardian for they most likely will be the one conveying those to the shadchan, unless you decide to handle it on your own, which may be easier for all parties.

It’s okay if you don’t have the answer. It’s okay to feel confused. It’s okay to ask for help.