Ping. Ping. Goes my phone.

I finish washing the final cup in the sink, dry my hands on a dishrag, and check the notification.

It's from my friend. The one that's working on a shidduch idea for me.

My eyes quickly scan the message she sent me. Then I read it over again more slowly.

Now that the boy said yes, I want to hand it over to a shadchan. Do you rather use Rabbi Cohen or Rabbi Fried? She attaches both of the Rabbi's numbers below the text.

Thank you! I type a response; I'll get back to you.

I then find my mother and ask her what she thinks.

We decide on Rabbi Fried because my mother remembers him from a few years back.

                                                                               ••

I open my phone, click WhatsApp and scroll down until I find Rabbi Fried. Then I recall it’s the first time I am directly communicating with him, and instead begin a new conversation thread:

Hi Rabbi Fried, I text somewhat nervously, it’s Chavie Horn. I hope you are doing well. I was hoping I can call you to discuss something. When is a good time for you?

Hi Chavie! I’m about to head out to mincha (here’s when I forget about the time difference between Miami and California) can I call you in about 40 minutes?

Sure! Thank you!

Rabbi Fried does call me later on and he’s super nice and hears me out. Together, we are able to work out what needs to be worked out.

My Advice:

Very often the shadchan who owns the idea is the one in charge of guiding the shidduch. But if, for whatever reason, it is not going smoothly via said shadchan, then don’t feel trapped. Instead, one can carefully and respectfully request using another messenger. The ideal scenario is one where the shadchan you are working with has the following characteristics: is available, responsive, receptive to hearing your side of the story or your thoughts about the boy or how things are progressing. Additionally, someone who respects your decisions and doesn't push you too hard (to either continue dating someone you don’t have a foreseeable future with or someone who tells you that its not your position to question the boy on matters that need clarity). It’s important to think about which qualities did or didn't work for you when communicating with a shadchan. You may be okay with waiting an extended time period to hear from the shadchan, so long as they lend a listening ear to your concerns. Try to find someone who will make the process easier for you, not harder. If you are in the position of choosing a messenger, ask your friends or other contacts whom they had a positive experience with. Wishing you much hatzlacha!